Navigating SEND Parent Life Without the Overwhelm
Navigating SEND Parent Life Without the Overwhelm
If you're a parent or carer of an autistic or ADHD child (or one suspected to be), you already know this journey doesn't come with a manual — it comes with a constant battle for support, conflicting advice, lack of understanding from people around you and a never ending work load, without a day off might I add!
You're not just a parent/carer. You're also an advocate, therapist, case manager, educator, behavior interpreter, emotional anchor, and the keeper of a very detailed calendar.
It's a lot!
And if you're feeling overwhelmed — that’s not a sign of weakness. That’s a sign you’re doing a superhuman job in a world that doesn’t always make space for our kind of parenting.
As a parent carer coach and fellow SEND parent, I want to share some thoughts on how to navigate SEND (Special Educational Needs and Disabilities) parent life without losing yourself to the chaos. Knowing first hand how it feels to struggle, to feel alone and totally overwhelmed, these tips come from a place of love and not judgement, things I found help support me along my journey and I genuinely hope they will help you too.
Let it Go!
Let go of expectations. Expectations of what your child ‘should’ be doing and about how you ‘should’ parent. Our children do not need fixing, they need understanding, love and support. Life as a SEND parent carer will likely look different to how you imagined it will likely be hard, with a good dose of meltdowns thrown in for good measure but that doesn’t mean it is less, or that you can’t all be happy, have fun and have a great life. But it may simply look a little different.
Do It Your Way
If you have been around me for any length of time, you will know this is something I rave on about. You see when we stop trying to conform as parents and push our children to conform to societal expectations, something special happens. Now I am not saying, we shouldn’t parent our children or teach them to be decent human beings, and I am definitely not saying break the law, but what I am saying is when something is causing you or your family difficulty ask yourself ‘does it really matter, like really?’
What do I mean… I mean lets stop forcing ourselves to do things that make us unhappy or trying to be someone we are not, just because society has said that is how it should be.
For example, does it really help your child to be forced to hug or kiss someone goodbye if it's something they really hate and causes them sensory overwhelm? Does it really matter if your child has their favourite chicken nuggets for Christmas dinner? There are many things in life that we are made to feel we should do and it is ok to question them, and stop doing the things that don't serve your family.
Regulate You
Finding ways that support your own regulation, not only helps make you feel better, enjoy life and overall have improved mental wellbeing but it has a huge ripple effect within your family. If you are faced with yet another meltdown and are able to meet it from a place of calm regulation yourself, you will without question handle it better, diffusing the situation much faster. The same in reverse is also true.
Learning skills and strategies to support emotional regulation is something you can do and practice together, it is a valuable skill for everyone.
Now does it mean you will never lose your shizzle, heck no! We are only human and it doesn’t mean we are bad parents when we do. But it will give us the ability to co-regulate, be more self compassionate and have a happier calmer life.
Trust Your Instincts
Professionals have a very important part to play in gaining the support we need for our children, but that doesn’t mean that your knowledge, experience and understanding of your child in invalid. Trust your instincts, if something doesn’t feel right ask, it is ok to seek professional advice or a second opinion. You as a parent know your child better than anyone.
Perfect Parent
Let's get this clear, I am not saying stop trying to be a good parent or to give up trying to advocate and support your child, definitely not. But if you are aiming to be a perfect parent, you would be better off looking for a flying pig! I am sorry but perfect parents do not exist, and even if they did, whose version of ‘perfect’ are we aiming for anyway because lets face it we would all have a very different idea of what perfect looks like, and so would our children. Plus setting ridiculously high standards only sets us up to fail. We are perfectly imperfect humans, we make mistakes , we get it wrong sometimes, just learn from it and move on. It helps teach our children how to do the same. Just as we love our children for who they are, they love us too, even when we are not perfect.
Build Your Support Circle
Parenting a child with additional needs can be incredibly isolating. A lonely, overwhelming journey without a good, understanding support network. The isolation I personally faced is one of the reasons Autism & ADHD Parent Support UK CIC, began in the first place. Make use of our Facebook groups, in person and online support groups but also build your own personal support network of other SEND parents, and friends/family who ‘get it’. People who can pick you up when you need it, and be there for you, on the phone when you need them, is invaluable and will really help you get through the difficult times, that little bit easier.
And if we don’t have a County based support group in your area, why not contact us about volunteering with us and helping us create a local community in your area.
Process Your Emotions
Wow what a rollercoaster and soup pot of emotions, SEND parent life is. From the highs of seeing your amazing child achieve something new, to the lows of the constant fight for support and overwhelm from yet another meeting. That combined with the daily exhaustion can really leave us in an emotional muddle. It's important to allow yourself time to be present with your emotions, to just sit with them and let them be, without judgement. You may be a parent but that doesn’t mean you are no longer a human, with your own thoughts, feelings and needs.
Ditch Comparison
As the famous quote goes, ‘Comparison is the thief of joy’. And never has it applied more than in SEND parent life. Constantly comparing yourself, your family and SEND child to other families is only going to cause upset. We are all unique individuals and so are our families, with different strengths, weaknesses and life experience. When we compare, we are not comparing like for like, but we are overlooking our own families' wins and achievements. We stop seeing all the good things right in front of us. Celebrate the amazing creation that is your family and be sure to celebrate the wins along the way - big or small. We believe in this so much, we even have a weekly post in our Facebook group for you to do just that. And remember we are all good enough just the way we are!
Make Other Stuff Easier
Family life isn't just about the actual parenting stuff but comes with a huge amount of other responsibilities too. From financial responsibilities, to keeping your house clean and not forgetting trying to maintain other relationships and not to forget all the other things in between. It is not only physically demanding, but a huge mental load. That is why for me building systems that can support some of the other responsibilities has been hugely helpful. From simple cleaning routines, to meal planning and prep to shopping online and having direct debits set to pay the bills. There are many things you can put in place to help remove some of that extra work mental load, it's just about finding what works for you and your family in the season of life you are in right now. And be sure where possible to delegate what you can and accept help where available. Like I said before you don’t have to be perfect and neither does your home.
Compassion
Above all, be gentle with yourself. Our children are loved and amazing but that doesn’t mean it isn’t seriously hard sometimes, in fact it's actually hard most of the time. It doesn’t mean you are doing it wrong, or you are failing as a parent - it simply means it is really tough!! You will have good days and you will have awful ones, but remember you are doing your best - and you have totally got this!
And lastly…
Don’t forget we are here for you, AAPS-UK CIC was founded by parents for parents. From our support groups, to our 1:1 Parent Coaching Support and everything in between. We exist not only because we care but we genuinely get it too.
More Support
If you're feeling overwhelmed, isolated, and stuck in the chaos of SEND parent life, and you're ready to feel more empowered—both as a parent and an individual—there are ways forward. I'm here to help you build strategies that support your wellbeing and give you the confidence to navigate this journey without feeling lost.
If you're looking to put these ideas into practice in a way that truly fits your family, let’s talk. As a parent of four (three of whom are autistic) and a qualified coach supporting parent carers and neurodivergent individuals, I understand the reality—because I live it too. I've moved from chaos to calm (most days—I'm a coach, not a miracle worker!) by building the right support, and now I help other parents do the same. Click here to find out more.
